Tuesday, 2 March 2010


Mood bit teary and bonkers today, due inevitably to hormones, though am glad for once that I recognise this instead of my usual mid-tears-and-snot rant thinking 'oh, wonder if my period is due..'

Scale back to 135 again, oh joy. Am slow and steady as a tortoise though. Will not be derailed and am trying very hard to stay under 300-ish calories a day. I don;t feel hungry or deprived and I must say that thinking big-picture long-term is a huge help. Two people commented today how much weight I have lost (over 15lbs since January). Told them I have stopped drinking. Didn't mention I have stopped eating too - they are way too plump-mummy and would force-feed me biscuits in seconds.

Was very pleased though as am in new size 10 Topshop jeans which I shrugged comfotably into. I should really be a size six though with my dwarfy height!

Remembered in the car today a night in my teens when my (as usual) drunk father was crashing on my bedroom door telling me I stank, I was a slut and I was fat and lazy. Amazing what happens behind nice middle-class intellectual doors after 8pm.

He and my enabling head-in-sand mother live very close to me. I see them less often than they would like but enough for me to not suddenly think 'Oooh, good plan, I'll just go back 20 years and drag it all up so you can see how shit you were and understand why I will NEVER be a parent like you pair were.'

No, I will finally believe with all my heart that I am gorgeous and that I can be thin and that I truly deserve lovely things.

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