21.iv

Future perfect? Way too much of the future tense in my head - when I'm thin, I will...

Bollocks to that. I am thinking of myself as the skinny one from now on. That will inform all my choices. I am skinny because I choose to exist on diet coke, coffee, fruit and soup. I am skinny because the fat-oozing cakes and cheese and everything else hold absolutely no appeal to me.

I am the skinny one in my group of friends not always moaning about being fat, being hungry, having a crap metabolism, whinge whinge.

I might not LOOK like the skinny minnie right at this exact moment, but if I keep sabotaging myself by thinking I am waiting until I am thin for my life to start, I'll be here a fucking long time.

Suck on that, stuck scales...

20.iv.

Need, need, NEED to get back to the iron will of a week or so ago, that says a steadfast, tight-lipped 'no' to every mouthful of shepherds pie, lemon cake and other little nibbles I think don't matter when in fact, here they are, stopping that elusive number from leaving 125 and getting into proper acceptable waters.

It's hard finding the resolution some days. Today I have stuck to liquids as I did yesterday, but the weekend was a fucking fiasco.

I fit into a size eight, but am too scared to go and buy anything in case I balls everything up and wake up suddenly clothed in the kilts and jodhpurs of fat that I wore for so long.

I even had a dream of myself last night at University; laughing with a huge fat tummy, surrounded by thin thin thin girls who didn't need to pretend they were happy.

2.iv

Saw 125, then had to go away for a few days which included specially-laid-on trip to Chinatown and old favourite Italian ice-cream shop in Soho. Felt calm though, knowing that purging was completely out of the question, so I dug deep, mentally shrugged and found some shreds of self-control. Managed to get rid of lots of my little icecream geberously handing it round for tasting so avoided the self-loathing and fuck-it attitude that usually brings.


Also, was walking about with size (UK) 10 jeans trailing off me, literally falling off without being undone. I might be ready for an 8, but I have never ever been that small and it feels like such a huge step. Do I really deserve to be so small and not covered in this disgusting lard that gives me an excuse to hide and explain away why I am so hard to love? I am actually afraid. It turns out that actually losing weight is not really this issue here...


Amazing comment about husband and family reactions to my loss from the incredibly intelligent and perceptive Medica - there is something changing, inside you and on the outside, and they were not involved in the decision making. It´s a little bit about control, too, don´t you think?

Oh yes, in every single way.

26.iii

OK, lowest weight in about 15 years, feel like Bridget Jones - yesssssssssssssssssssssss.

128, must must must keep this up. Am miserable as fuck which actually helps.

Read a wonderful thing over at trithin's great, honest and touching blog - again I parapjhrase because I am old and my memory is screwed. Essentially, she said that deciding NOT to eat for the day removes SO much anxiety - what will I eat, when. what if I'm offered something that makes me want to shove the whole table down my neck etc etc.

So today, I won't eat anything except soup and coffee.

Tomorrow, probably more of the same then I might have something on Sunday.

It's good to have a plan. Especially when everything else is so painful and uncertain.

19.iii

Lovely comments, thank you so much. What a difference it makes to log on and see that the outpourings and mad little thoughts have resonated somewhere.

Scale has settled on 129, couple of days post-target but we'll take it.

Got a tricky weekend of celebrating a couple of lovely things, but have offered to do the entertaining which works on a lot of levels:

• It's my menu, my safe choices are in there, even if I eat 'normal' amounts, it will be clean and healthy fish and veg and rice
• I can belt about getting drinks and making up beds and burning calories
• I will not be guilted into eating fattening stuff that someone else has slaved over

That, and reading a lot of these blogs, makes me so happy I am older and not longer under my parents' roof.

Thank fuck.

I wish you all a lovely weekend - be kind to yourselves and strong, remember the bigger picture and that there are so many wonderful non-food related things to do in this world.

12.iii

Still losing, but can feel iron resolve dissolving in face of baguette scents and hot steaming bowls of stew. Need to read and be inspired by some of your blogs and remember how very temporary this all is.

I need to be in the 120s by the beginning of next week.

Distractions? Thinspo. Walking. DVDs. Fresh air. Dog. Organising clothes - winter ones put away.

Read an inspiring post a while ago from a girl who harnessed the perfectionism and obsession we have within us, and used it in her professional life - competitive, driven, focussed, single-minded. Wonderful and positive way of looking at this.

Hope that you are all coping and feeling strong and beautiful.

7.iii

Fast lasted til I had to go out on a business dinner and ended up having a cocktail and steak. Otherwise, nothing but liquid all week then broke it with a huge salad last night and have been in agony ever since. Have now learned from all your experiences that it was a stupid plan and should have been slow and little.

Was travelling on business last week and not eating makes time so much more elastic and easily manageable. I read, watch movies and dream, feeling the horrible lard melt away.

Am also more sharp-tongues - colleagues, friends, all getting the blunt side not the dressed-up kindness. Am I an arsey bitch because I am hungry or am I feeling less that I have to do that craven fat-girl thing of 'please love me?'

Whatever it is, there are some very fundamental changes afoot in my life. It has to do with spring as well as losing weight. I want my surroundings to be clean, simple and beautiful. I am sick of all the mental, emotional, physical clutter I am trying to carry and organise. So I have done my washing from last week, cleared out the fridge and the old papers and am now making pot of chicken soup.

My house smells warm and safe.

1.iii

God, the utter utter bliss of sunshine - March at last, Easter on the way and spring around the corner.

Scales, fuck, gnash, fell fleetingly to 134 on saturday and whizzed back up to 136 today. But I know that this is to be expected and slow and steady wins the race.

And today, after a month of hardly eating a thing, I am wearing a beautiful skirt with a massive belt hoiking it up. The last time I wore it, last winter, it was snug. Today I look like an orphan.

Any clues on the effects of fasting on mood? I have been feeling wonderful today, despite the naughty scales and I wonder if it's more than just a glimpse of sun?

I feel so much more sorted, in control. Less blown about by the whims of every other fucker and actually writing my own story. As though control over what I eat (and don't drink) translates into the ability to concentrate and achieve in other areas.

I have really enjoyed work today. I bought a hyacinth and an unusual silver pot to keep it in on my desk.