Friday, 2 April 2010


Saw 125, then had to go away for a few days which included specially-laid-on trip to Chinatown and old favourite Italian ice-cream shop in Soho. Felt calm though, knowing that purging was completely out of the question, so I dug deep, mentally shrugged and found some shreds of self-control. Managed to get rid of lots of my little icecream geberously handing it round for tasting so avoided the self-loathing and fuck-it attitude that usually brings.

Also, was walking about with size (UK) 10 jeans trailing off me, literally falling off without being undone. I might be ready for an 8, but I have never ever been that small and it feels like such a huge step. Do I really deserve to be so small and not covered in this disgusting lard that gives me an excuse to hide and explain away why I am so hard to love? I am actually afraid. It turns out that actually losing weight is not really this issue here...

Amazing comment about husband and family reactions to my loss from the incredibly intelligent and perceptive Medica - there is something changing, inside you and on the outside, and they were not involved in the decision making. It´s a little bit about control, too, don´t you think?

Oh yes, in every single way.


  1. Eek! I have the same problem!!! Was just thinking this yesterday!! Do I really deserve to be size 8??!?! And then should I really buy the size 8 if I'm gunna screw it up and go back up again??

    I think we should treat our selves if we make it through Easter :) they can be our "I said no the easter eggs size 8 jeans!" now THATS motivation to stay clear of those devilish lindt bunnies...!!


  2. Control, thats it, thats why I do what I do.

  3. Hey,

    you really made a good point: Maybe it´s not about losing weight at all.
    If it would be about weigh, we would not have to hide.
    If it would be about weight, we would get happier with every single pound we are losing, but we are not (at least I am not).
    If it would be about weight, we could see it in the mirror.
    If it would be about weight, we would buy the smaller jeans in no time.

    One thing I am constantly thinking about:
    Do I want to find out what this is really about? To be honest, I don´t think so...

    Great job on sharing the ice cream, stay strong,
    wish you all the best...