12.v

Haven't posted for a bit as been faffing about with the elusive goddamn scales, and forgetting that the odd nibble here and there actually registers. No lying from them. Though clothes are literally hanging off me. Wonder if 119 might not be a good place to stop before I look skeletal - not too attractive at my age...

Anyway, am low low low and re-motivated today to stick to what we KNOW works - soup, diet coke, coffee and the odd handful of grapes.

8 stone 7 for my birthday on Saturday?

27.iv

Medica, your lovely comment pretty much sums it up. Though in fact, my husnband has been saying how wonderful I look and how proud he is of me.

I would like to pretend to be nice through and through but I am very much anjoying seeing my friends and hearing all their lame excuses about time, too much to do, other priorities, not vain enough etc.

Then one by one they approach me - what's your secret, how do you do it, is it hard?

Nope, just don't eat. Want to be thin more than feed your face.

Easy.

22.iv

OK, so 123 on today's scales. Have posted it on the sidebar in a talismanic-cosmic-touch-wood that it won't whizz back up to 1,0004985462384 the next time I step gingerly onto my fate.

Fuck, that's my lowest adult weight. Probably my lowest weight since I was about 11.

Now all I need to do is NOT panic. NOT suddenly inhale lard and NOT do death by pastry in case anyone is pissed off that I have left their comfort zone.

Oops, already did that. Have to say, not everyone is pleased about this. One less thing to feel superior about for my family.

Not my problem. I'm not staying fat just to make my family feel smug - I am cleverer, more honest and more ambitious than all of them, and now I have stopped being The Fat One. So funny watching them all pretend not to notice.

Well guess what? I didn't do it for them , not any of it. Call me dull and self-obsessed because I want to be skinny? Think that says rather more about all of them than it does me. Time to spend a LOT less time around them.

21.iv

Future perfect? Way too much of the future tense in my head - when I'm thin, I will...

Bollocks to that. I am thinking of myself as the skinny one from now on. That will inform all my choices. I am skinny because I choose to exist on diet coke, coffee, fruit and soup. I am skinny because the fat-oozing cakes and cheese and everything else hold absolutely no appeal to me.

I am the skinny one in my group of friends not always moaning about being fat, being hungry, having a crap metabolism, whinge whinge.

I might not LOOK like the skinny minnie right at this exact moment, but if I keep sabotaging myself by thinking I am waiting until I am thin for my life to start, I'll be here a fucking long time.

Suck on that, stuck scales...

20.iv.

Need, need, NEED to get back to the iron will of a week or so ago, that says a steadfast, tight-lipped 'no' to every mouthful of shepherds pie, lemon cake and other little nibbles I think don't matter when in fact, here they are, stopping that elusive number from leaving 125 and getting into proper acceptable waters.

It's hard finding the resolution some days. Today I have stuck to liquids as I did yesterday, but the weekend was a fucking fiasco.

I fit into a size eight, but am too scared to go and buy anything in case I balls everything up and wake up suddenly clothed in the kilts and jodhpurs of fat that I wore for so long.

I even had a dream of myself last night at University; laughing with a huge fat tummy, surrounded by thin thin thin girls who didn't need to pretend they were happy.

16.iv

Seems like weeks and weeks since I posted; in reality I escaped for some quiet and walking and am now officially at 125, which makes me both happy and anxious.

I thought that being under 9 stone would make me less instead of more critical of this body, but as the fat melts and the bone and muscle shows, I feel that my skin tone is pretty crap and there is way too much sun damage.

I just did a typo - 'sin damage' - think that's probably nearer the truth and I am going to love myself more...

2.iv

Saw 125, then had to go away for a few days which included specially-laid-on trip to Chinatown and old favourite Italian ice-cream shop in Soho. Felt calm though, knowing that purging was completely out of the question, so I dug deep, mentally shrugged and found some shreds of self-control. Managed to get rid of lots of my little icecream geberously handing it round for tasting so avoided the self-loathing and fuck-it attitude that usually brings.


Also, was walking about with size (UK) 10 jeans trailing off me, literally falling off without being undone. I might be ready for an 8, but I have never ever been that small and it feels like such a huge step. Do I really deserve to be so small and not covered in this disgusting lard that gives me an excuse to hide and explain away why I am so hard to love? I am actually afraid. It turns out that actually losing weight is not really this issue here...


Amazing comment about husband and family reactions to my loss from the incredibly intelligent and perceptive Medica - there is something changing, inside you and on the outside, and they were not involved in the decision making. It´s a little bit about control, too, don´t you think?

Oh yes, in every single way.